BCoz She Myn an' So FlyyY..

Men.

I'll never understand them. Such odd creatures.

Made of 'Snips and snails and puppy dog tails'
Apparently.

Lets revise the poem.

They're made of..

Jealousy. Pride. And a pain in the backside.

YEEEEH BLUD.

Seriously, talk like an intelligent human being.

My lovely bf talks like a complete retard! Talking about getting shanked and merked and calling me gash infront of his mates. SRSLY. SERIOUS.

Well that isnt what i wanted to talk about. Well the 'gash' thing is. I had a most interesting conversation which showed me a small part of the 'male world' yesterday.. My bf happened to be drunk and the words stumbled out of his mouth so fast he didnt know what he even said.

' Mannn.. i love you so much.. I should'nt love you! Men aren't supposed to like girls this much mannn.. I should just not care. If you break up with me i should just find some other gash and not care'

What a lovely prospect ayyy? I do pick 'em.

'Is that why you act like such a prick infront of your mates when your with me?' 'Err yeah man'

Atleast i understand that bit.
But whats the worst..

'Are you looking at your ex?!' 'OMG man your looking at your ex again!'

No, no really, just no. Not to mention my ex being a complete bender. I lack the basic equipement for him to be interested in me. And after some of the things hes told me i dont find him vaguely sexually attractive anymore.. but i wont go into that. =)

I love my bf. And alot at that. Does he believe me? No..
Getting upset in a drunken flurry.. Bless him.

Men. Stubborn fools i say!
I apologise. But its so true!

I'm not allowed to look at guys the wrong way, especially my ex, nor speak to him. I'm not allowed to be chatted up or checked out.. My fault? Err yeh right.. I'm not allowed to not see him when he wishes to see me or he gets stroppy and i obviously don't love him anymore. Heaven forbid feeling ill.. or just plain wanting to stay home for a night.

As i say.. I love him. You gotta love 'em really.. Lovely bunch of people. When they're not being complete arseholes. =)

Xx

Man X Went Up To Man Y

Gar.. my hairs wet and i feel like im amillion miles away from my computer and am squinting to see..

But hey. Here i go.

I feel this blog is majorllyyyy negative. No pun intended.
I would like to start another. but i dont know.
Unfortunately i never feel i can be completely open on this. But yeah

Bf away on a lad holiday.. Joy.
Lol.. waiting till he comes back.. Sitting here with images of drunk girls shoving their tits into every mildly masculine individual within a 10 mile radius' face.. I told him not to catch aids.. hoping the reply would be dont worry i wont be able to, im not gna cheat. My reply was, ill try not to. lol.. i know hes joking but is reassurance that hard to do? No man. No.

Oh well man..
Finished school.Finished exams.

YAY..

Im bit bored tho..
Been getin drunk far too often for some peoples liking.. and my moneys liking also.
Clubbing last night, was awesome night. pub thursday.. ended me throwin up by the side of a dual carriageway near my house.. then obviously it had to be crossed while i was completely unable to stand up straight.. fun fun.

I love being 18. LOVE ITT

=)

Xx

Finally.. A Blog.

Well..
Life!

Ok whats changed?
Im 18..
I had a birthday party which atleast half the people i invited didnt turn up to but there was still alot of people there. Which was good. I met a guy id been talking to for months and months. Who just so happened to be fit and lovely and nice. He is now my boyfriend. Which is lovely. Well hes actually is lovely. Life on the otherhand, gets a bit shit at times.

The most recent problem being a retard called Sam. Yes i actually used a name. Fun. He has decided that he now thinks he is better than me. That he is stressed and he is going to take it out on me. His words were that i am insecure about EVERYTHING and hes hoping if hes mean enough he will push me over the edge and ill get over it. He also said im annoying and predictable. Well all i have to say is. FUCK YOU.

Ok second issue. My ex boyfriend.. the one i was in love with. The one i gave everything to. I mean everything. Is unfortunately.. GAY. I have nothing against gay people. But. Hes my ex. He said he wasnt attracted to me for the last part of our relationship.. atall. And as he fucked me even after we broke up. BASICALLY. Hes a cunt, just like Sam.

I think i officially live in the land of noone gives a shit. Noone does. In general. Theres a few that do, and i appreciate it. But why is noone willing to go the extra mile anymore? Noone.
I feel like a doormat to the masses.

Someone who doesnt even know me said ' i dont think shes a very nice person'
Thanks.

Also.. its the last week of school this week. Meaning no more lessons,teachers, homestudy, free periods etc.. and most importantly i wont see people im friends with even half as much. And no more bus =( its going to be upsetting and my bf is on holiday this week too..

Everythings a bit gay atm.. =( its been alot worse. ALOT worse. and im pleased its got better.. i guess nothing can ever be perfect.

Xx

RAHHHH

Im finally/ actually happy!!!!
Its amazinggggg..

I also have my own wireless keyboard now.. so no more hard spaces and stuffs.

18 in 3 weeks! Having a party and inviting all my friendlys.. its got a masquerade theme and is hopefully going to be good. Theres a guy who i like.. still not over ex as theres been some sexness and kissyness.. at various parties/my house party. But ill learn eventually. =)

I need like a million pounds to pay for a summer social ticket, a leavers hoodie with my name on it, twins presents, mums present, a mask for my bday, a top for my bday.. and clothes in general! lol.. ohhhh dear. I currently have £20 =(


Scrubs is on.. got to dashhh

=)

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

Identify 100 things that make me happy (besides money)

Im going to try some positive thinking..

1. Chocolate
2. Coke - as in the drink
3. Bunny Rabbits
4. Poe
5. Bailey
6. The Pond
7. Random walks
8. My friends
9. Sunny days
10. Green grass
11. Golf range
12. Badminton
13. Salad
14. Pasta
15. Fish
16. Sleep
17. Sex
18. Duvets
19. Hugs
20. Kisses
21. Flirting
22. Compliments
23. Smiling at random people
24. Underwear
25. Porn
26. Photography
27. Art
28. Writing stuffs
29. Holding hands
30. Ex (sometimes) and Friend R
32. Singing
33. Dancing
34. Jumping
35. Sleepovers
36. Parties
37. Seeing
38. Men
39. Women
40. Cocks
41. Boobs
42. Moisturiser
43. Vaseline
44. Sandwichs
45. McDonalds
46. KFC
47. Cinema
48. Bowling
49. Grabber machines
50. Dancemat
51. Air hockey (tennis)
52. Pool
53. Pictionary
54. TV
55. Milkshakes
56. Apple juice
57. Alcohol
58. Being drunk
59. Kissing random people
60. Fit people
61. Bitching
62. Puppies
63. Daisy + Pixie
64. Music
65. Ice cubes
66. Cocktail sausages
67. Rolo icecream
68. Portugal
69. Beaches
70. Shells
71. Lady birds
72. Showers
73. Baths
74. Candles
75. Foot spas
76. Plays
77. Horoscopes
78. Cartoons in mail on sunday
79. Shopping
80. Hotels
81. Mini bars
82. Sunbathing
83. Doodling
84. Sea monkeys
85. Driving
86. Bikes
87. Lighters
88. Cactus's
89. Friends the tv show
90. Skins the tv show
91. Jewellry
92. Socks
93. Running like a kid
94. Fans
95. Dresses
96. Feel good films.. they make me cry tho.
97. Crank phone calls
98. Long phone calls
99. Daisy chains
100. Strawberries

That was slightly difficult..not happy yet either..
=(

Xx

Mouldy Turnips.

Lo' lo' lo' lo' lo'

Well.. i went to yet another party/gathering and was upset by the end... rejection sucks.
However.
Its not how it seemed to be, was apparently due to my drunkness. I recieved soooo many mixed signals from person er.. X and argh i got stroppy and eventually my whole entired world collapsed and i fell into a pile on the stairs and had a discussion with my tired friend.. he was really nice about it and made me feel happier.. no romantic interest there either BTW.

As you may realise.. this blog is more flowing-ish, i am using my dads wireless keyboard and can therefore type spaces easily!! =)

Anyway as i was saying, the rejectee is a guy that i realised i like a fair amount and well im not quite sure how he feels, after drunkenly declaring my undying love for him, well not quite, telling him i like him, he seemed uninterested. However i was informed he may be scared due to my significant sexual experience.. i have to say i was like LOL, not due to the scaredness, but due to the fact my sexual experience is based on one guy and around 20 guys when it comes to getting off (kissing) < sounds gay but some people might not know what i mean, wouldnt want people getting the wrong idea! lol. Anyway yeah i was LOLing away.. but apparently that is soo. But i do have my own theories on not being popular enough to be seen with him, or for him to be seen liking me.. because im obviously that grotesque and disgusting. Of course. But hey, time will tell i guess =) i do hope something comes out of it though.

Easter holidays noww.. I have psychology coursework to do, to do with Gestalt laws, specifically the wholistic theory (spelling?)
I say that because i like to sound intelligent, well vaguely, yet i am not! Im nothing but a lowlife tramp person, well not really. Im more like an average 17 year old. Nearly 18 may i add! May 10th.. hoping for a million presents from my millions of fans. Well more like a happy birthday comment from the known 2 readers i have..

Oh well, its all appreciated =)

Today has been unbelievably boring.. all ive done is have a driving lesson, it was interesting though as it was snowing/hailing as i tried to concentrate on a million other things, im getting better though! And other than that ive sat, and listened to music and eaten cocktail sausages. Oh and i just got scared by an imaginery spider..
But i did have a rather odd conversation with my parents (ooh i sound so english) about my car, in which my dad tried to persuade me to take a loan of £5000 from him and pay it back over 20 years making the total with interest that i pay back £40000. I was less than impressed, this was while my mother was literally fighting me to hold my hand, she would not give up and i was more than a little scared by it, was really strange.. i said i didnt like it and she just said 'hold my hand!' so i kind of gave in then slyly wandered off. She also said i wasnt allowed to go out tonight due to me being out the last 3 nights, which is fairly random. I dont see the problem.. oh well.

My back is hurting from sitting in a weird position, and i think i may of finally run out of things to say, all be it nothing here is THAT interesting.

Toodleloo

Xx..

Karma..

Happy..Happy? Happy!

I wasnt earlier.. but i am now..! =)

I fell out with someone..ish.. and id ignored a text from someone else to lend something, then later i decided to text back and go find what they wanted..And things got better =)
Someone invited me out
Someone gave me compliments and was uber nice
Someone was tres nice
Someone was interested

=)

Andddd i have orange squash!

ME thinks that karma exists
Well..
I am a believer in god also.. so could be that too.
When i say im a believer in god.. i guess its a vaguely Christian view, im sceptical about Jesus but i believe theres something. Its pretty mind blowing thinking something/someone created everything and is out there watching, bigger than the universe? in the universe? outside? everywhere?
Where does the universe end? i personally see it being in a box with more space on the outside. I cant comprehend anything else. So its all good.
When i get a new keyboard i shall write longer blogs, however atm... im finding the spacing difficult.

Xx..

Cold Shiny Hard Plastic.

ARRRR...

I punched ex last night.. HI5! lol
MEh

Im fed up with everyone being so frickin fake. I cant do what i want coz its weird.
Guess im too different to be friends with some people.. so called friends. Canniiii be assed.
SERIOUSLY
Everyone thinks theyre so great and pretty and amazing. Heads up asses comes to mind.
Fucking Retards.

Wish theyd just be more tolerant. So fucking retarded.
Plastic.

Oh dearr.... i be an angry person lol.

Keep saying ill leave, keep saying ill say what i think, keep saying if im too weird for people they can go fuck themselves..

But i doubt it will happen. Not now anyway.
My friends mean everything, but to some i mean nothing..

[Some Stuartina =) not you lol]

Xx

FLUCVKCDFGH

Since when has one persons problem been only theirs?

What happened to friends that care?
What happened to friends that are there for you?!

I swear everyone is so far up their own asses they dont notice when someone is unhappy.
I get called names nonstop.. and people are always like oh she will be fine, she always laughs it off.

Ever heard of a front? most of the time i dont laugh it off, most of the time i sit thinking about whats been said, thinking it over and over.

What can i do to make myself better?
What can i do so people accept me?
What can i do to not get singled out.

When someone has a problem, anyone, regardless of if i know them or not. I will try and help, try and make them feel better, try and find a solution, be there for reassurance.. but it seems theres very few people like that.

Recently ive been pretty caught up in stuff and havent exactly found the time for certain friends.. and ARGH i hate it. Its so retarded.

I just want to be happy! Is that really too much to ask? Really?

Xx

Thingssss Can Only Gettt Worssserrrr...

http://majorly.deviantart.com/art/One-Day-You-Will-See-79475484

Basically describes how im feeling right now. Well as i wrote it.

Not really a poem, but i didnt know how to classify it..

Xx..

Chav? No Way!

=O

I pulled a chav..
Lol. Hehe.

Well, i went out with mon amie and met a million people we know in the arcade.. (what? im not 18 yet.. theres nothing to do! lol) and then met a chav who was fit may i add, and a balding druggy.. luckily i got the chav. =)
Unfortunately, i returned home and told fluffy i got with someone and mon amie recieved a text at 1am saying 'thank fuck for that, now i can get on people' from fluffy. BLEH.
Screwed myself there.

Also.
There is another guy, who was there last night whom i didnt go see. But i wish i did.. =( hes soooo like me-ish lol, and hes funny and fit, but slightly annoying sometimes but then again im pretty annoying all the time! I thinks i annoyed him tho =( so im just going to have to wait it out i guess! Hes so awesome though. But like im so retarded! arhghghh..

Fluffy out with someone because hes not back from work. =( i such a paranoid person! oh dearrr....

Mothers day tomorrow, got a rose bush and chocolates. And im driving her up to my nans maybe.

OhMyGod. I cant stop thinking about him..
GAHHHH.

Xx..

Pointless.

Everythings turning me bitter.. what am i meant to do...

If the things in life are there to round your character, make you a better person, it doesnt work.

I go through sad, angry, depressed and in denial over and over.
Thinking strategies and plans and chances and hoping. Saying i dont need him, i dont want him.

But i do. So much.
I hide the majority of my feelings infront of everyone else.. noone knows just how upset i actually am.

The crying, the numbness, the shouting, meaninglessness, hopelessness, pointlessness.

I hate it. I hate me. I hate love. I love him.

x..

You Look At A Word So Many Times It Looks Wrong.

Hmph.
Its the time of breaking up.
Lots of people are anyway.. well.. i know of atleast 6

I went cinema with fluffy (ex) and Froggyfriend last night, Wasssss.. interesting. Train journey there was alright as we met some people we know. Although fluffy insisted he could not sit next to me, for unknown reasons. We queued for ages in the cinema until we finally got our ticket to 'Be Kind, Rewind'
I sat in between froggy and fluffy and tried my hardest to edge my way back into his head. I flirted, laughed at little jokes he made, rested my head on his shoulder and tried going for the leg but that was just too far apparently and ended up having an arm rest fight. My arm made him uncomfortable apparently, funny how i wasn't even touching him.

Film was average, mildly comical and strange.

Went and played pool, i was absolutely atrocious.. however i was winning up until i potted the black. Fluffy promised a fuck for one of my goes, then took it back after he had taken my go.. was not pleased. He said he was going to poke me hard.. but we had a domestic on the train home which was pretty amusing. But he made it clear he didnt want me back, well i was insulting him hardcore.. soo.. not suprised. I spoke of his gay experiences, his lack of ability to satisfy and his allergy to spending money on any form of decent clothing.

Driving lesson today, apparently i can drive! pretty awesome =) but i need to concentrate on maneuvers which im not so awesome at.. too many things to think about at once!

My Scooby obsession has hit an all time high, i actually want to own everything scooby on the planet. But i have no money. I have youtubed scooby, but that result was pretty poor, spent an hour on IMDB looking at scooby trivia, spoofs, mistakes etc.. looked at various possible tshirt designs, colours, styles, sizes.. with no intention to buy may i add. Wish i could though. Downloaded MP3s off of the website too.

You see.. Scooby is like my therapy, my regression back to when i was 10. Everytime something bad happens i go scooby crazy. 2 of my dogs died in a week once, i spent 3 days in a dark room watching Scooby with 2 of my other dogs.. another dog died when i was 15, spent yet more days watching Scooby Doo, relatives have died and i watch Scooby, feel bad - Scooby, get dumped.. look at all things Scooby. Sad Person.. I Know.

But..

I<3 Scooby!

=)

=3) < French man.

Xx..

Hmmmm..=( <3

Italia..
Im back.
It was good.. yet really bad at the same time. I got caled so many things.. based around the word slut. I didnt cheat on bf.. but.
Hes now ex bf =(
He dumped me last night.. due to him being unhappy.
He doesnt love me =( im unloved.
I miss the hugs
I miss the kisses
I miss the giggles
I miss the flirting
I miss the movies
I miss the love =( =(

It Sucks.
I want my fluffy back =( [his nickname - from me]

=(=(=(

Xx...

Ho Hum.

heyy...

Got my report today..=( was pretty bad.. apparently i havent improved, i make no effort and i find my subjects boring. grades E,Uand D predicted.. LOVELY.

Im not stupid, i just have a supernatural lack of motivation. Theres nothing i want to do =(
Going to Italy on saturday. 26 hour coach journey! lol loveeelllyyy.

taraa.. my comps being slow.. x

PEBBLES!

Yo yo yo mini hoes..

Yeah. Well.. i think my bf is trying to drug me coz he brought me back some 'sweets' shaped like pebbles and like they made me go mental.. could just of been sugar high but i felt drunk lol!
Said some stupid things to people aswell lol.

Got 2 parties this weekend! wooo
Hopefully i wont do anything too stupidiful. lol ive ran around outside freezing with no top , cheated, sang really bad kareoke and done really bad dancemat and fallen down the stairs, plus the obvious throwing up and passing out.. lol im a light weight so sue me.

My computer is being so gay! trying to close things down to stop it.. dont know whyyyyy.. hold on.

Ok i deleted cookies and shizzle and its faster now =)

Well.. today was alright.. i realised actually how weak i am when it comes to certain things.. mainly arms and stomachs.. of the male tanned variety. Oh god lol. I need to be able to control myself at these parties as the person in question will be at one of them! lol. Its so funny i act like a complete shlag, but people have learnt to turn me down now coz i just out for some and bf gets pissed off. Next time i do it its going to be dumpage 'r' me. lol. Nearly broke up the other day.. conversations starting with 'do you think we ever be happy?' 'no' are never going to be good..
But it did end alright and we are still together.. i think im losing interest, yet when we nearly break up i always nearly end up crying! And i dont know why lol.

Did about defence strategies today in psychology, the narcissistic, the perfectionist, the arrogant- vindictive and resigned people. Im more resigned with the fear of failing and if i dont try i cant fail or be disappointed, believe in freedom, peace and self sufficiency. My bf is the narcissistic.. meaning he loves himself, has no doubt in his own greatness and find it hard to empathize and love others. LOL. And finally my troublesome friend is a arrogant-vindictive she knows shes good and is over confident in that and makes others feel bad by it, will not be influenced by softer feelings and has no grasp of morality.. therefore relationships are hard and what may been seen as obviously wrong by some people would not even be given a second thought by her. This is due to apparent psychological injuries recieved in childhood.. but she hasnt been bullied or anything, that i know of, known her since age 9. lol i was bullied alot but im alrightish lol. Although im insecure, attention seeking and paranoid. lol.

As i said in the last blog, basically i meant that to stop their heads getting big the media is there to bring them back to reality, doesnt really work but hey. Wish someone would write an article on some of the people i know to make them have a reality check and grow up a bit lol.

Im immature sometimes.. but not in an unrealistic way, i swear some people i know have no grasp of reality atall! i have an extreme imagination but i can still tell reality from fantasy.

Arhgd im gabbling again.. lol

PEBBLES.

LOL i havent had any but im really happy, i think its 'cause the sun is back! I love ittttt..
lol

=)

OMG italy soon.
Ive had no sex for 4 weeks.. 4 weeks.. 4... weeks.

sorry. yeah.

URMDFHSAa..

Byee xx

Revelations And Tiredness

Ive had a revelation! The media is there to stop celebrities getting big headed! lol.
As im neurotic and insecure.. i tend not to get big headed for too long, my feet are FIRMLY on the ground.. most of the time.

To Be Continued..

Im too tired now..started it earlier lol

Xx

He Be Living, Ye Olde Sea Monkeyeth Bobeth..

From now for the next week or so.. im laying off my mate. Shes going to get an earful tomorrow from everyone else, probably is right now.

But atleast it takes attention away from me for not doing the sixth form chlamydia test, as i was down town with bf because he be going to spain tomorrow. I cant have it, really, i cant lol.

I had a good day today! lol learnt about creation and stuff.. i cant remember loads of it because i got other things onmy mind. But it was so weird, like comparing darwins evolutionary theory against I.D - intelligent design -the idea that there is a designer that is extremely smart and created everything, like god but less biblical. How can things work so perfectly, only through natural selection? Without a missing link it has been proved mathematically impossible for natural selection to be responsible for who we are today. There are monkeys, there are humans, but theres no inbetween.. well apparently, i thought they found skeletons n that.. but apparently theres still a missing link. A Bacteria found to be propelled by a kind of propellor like what is found on a boat, was discovered around 30 years ago, how is it we designed that device for aboat without knowing about that? We designed it.. so how could nature design it that way. It was like ooohhh head fuck! lol

Psychology was also pretty good , introduction to next unit PYB5.. sounded pretty interesting, kinda hard though as its the synoptic paper. And maths i had to get in a group with some random year 12s as im doing retakeAS because i failed last year. My task is to do mathematical dominoes game! fun fun. lol

I felt embarassed to be with someone i shouldnt, ive felt it before, felt it at the begining, felt it when i wasnt in love. I really dont know what to do.. smeghdhfghds

Lol smeg.. ur in a smeg with me!! haha, ahh middle school was awesome with those strange phrases and yoyos and squigy aliens. But Lower school was awesomer! lol
I miss being young.. you never feel that innocent and happy ever again.. i know im only 17 but how can you.. really?
Reverse everything bad you've seen/done, have the sexual habbits of a nun (habbits..lol get it?), pray for your memory to be erased.. create world peace and become a tree hugger?

Not likely to happen. We have Gordon Brown running our country for goodness sake. And George Bush overseas. Weapons too.. they contribute.. just slightly..lol.

I have uno sea monkey...! saw it swimming around yesterday, i hope it survives! im trying my bestest.

Xx

I'll Knock You Out BIATCH!

Todays been a weird day..
I told someone to fuck off because i got so angry.. i stormed out because i felt i was going to punch someone.. i walked down to town because i needed to cry. I sat on a bench and watched the people walk past me and watched how they looked at me or how they didnt.. Its so strange, i hoped that one of them might stop and give me some miracle advice or make me happy.
But noone stopped. Noone spoke. Noone really gave me a look of compassion.
I got a look of disgust from an old woman with a long skirt and pearly white hair.. probably the music i was listening to, heavy rock on full blast on my ipod. Its a disgrace that i can listen to the music i want.. obviously means im a drug abusing alcoholic.
Anyway.. I have been ditched yet again by my 'best' friend.. she says oooh your my best friend and says she loves me. But... doesnt listen to me, leaves me for other people and gangs up on me. Im the one person that will stand up to her as noone else can be bothered with the hassle. If you get on my wrong side you'll know it, not many people argue with me either. Was quite funny her bf said that people should be scared of me , as if they got on my wrong side id probably knock em out lol. Bless.
Got a pretty high score on wii boxing.. so you never know!
I also had muscle pain for 3 days after...lol

I feel lonely. But not because i am, because im not like the rest of my friends.. if your reading this and your think arhfhg shes one of them who thinks shes different and unique and all that emo shizzle. Im not, i just think in a different way to them and its making me tres unhappy.. its like im either really stupid, or really smart. Most people say im stupid. Figures.
Then ill ask the people i know and theyll say that im smart and complicated. Id like to be simple, but smart isnt all that bad i guess!

You know what i wish this blog had a proper hit counter and stuff.. coz its actually a penis.

Xx

Happy Pills? Anyone?

GRARGGHGHHGHG...

Bf is sooo gna break up with me soon. Again.
I dont want to, but then i do. If we break up i wanna be the one doing the breaking up. Not him. Again.
The only way i keep him interested is by acting like im not. How fucked up.
He likes the chase.. like me. Im always chasing him.. Always.
Hes emotionally detached from everything.. its retarded.
Selfish and narcesistic. ARGH.
Im not a great gf myself, not that most people know, him certainly not.. the things i say to people lol.
If he was doing the same i'd be so annoyed.

Anyway.
One exam left.. took double dose of calming pills today they worked better.. but i was still stressed. Maybe 6 will work lol.

Spent the night in tonight.. coz i was asleep when everyone went out. Been a shit night.. all ive thought about is him, how hes out and didnt want to see me, all the shit hes said to me.. listening to songs about how men like him are cunts. Lol. If you met him you might think he was nice.. bit camp but nice. No hes not gay. But other people will say it too.. hes in stuff for himself if he dont want to do something. He wont. No comprimise. Hes lucky hes got a gf that lets him walk all over her.. if he started treatin some other girl like this she wud tell him to piss off. But he never used to be this bad. My 'friends' changed him. They all roll with the crowd and i tend to have my own opinion and do what i want. But hes weak i guess.

If anyone is reading this.. sorry for rambling about shiz.. lol. I hope its interesting. Bet its not though lol. It will be more interesting when i get happy. If, i get happy.

Oh and theyre doing chlaymedia tests on upper sixth form. How actualy retarded. I have a lesson clash with careers so i hope i dont have to do one. I dont have it, i know i dont. Its just retarded!

..Xx

Grrr.. Medication Please.

Bleh..

Been a while.
My stress levels still arent falling.. im on the verge of mental breakdown..
lol
From exams, school and love.
The press say that a levels are easy.. easiest ever. Apparently.
Then why is it large majority of my friends are now taking anti stress pills.. no they arent on drugs.. herbal remedies to calm you down.
Me. Yeah im on them too.. but theyre not helping that much atall..
The anxiety attacks came back last night. Thought theyd gone for a while.. guess not.
Bf just tried to convince me hes gay.. he has a history of gay encounters so it is fairly believeable, that and his flamboyant personality.. so i rang him up nearly crying.. knots in my stomach.. in disbelief.. shocked. So he says he wanted to know my reaction.. well thanks alot.. he was just bored.
He gets like this when hes stressed turns into a complete cunt, im the first thing he cuts off when he gets annoyed. Then comes crawling back.. the amount of times ive been ditched because of some kind of drama coursework or performance. Its currently coursework. Joy. Hes dropped so many hints he doesnt want me /is going to dump me.. and he thinks im paranoid. Said it once, said it a thousand times if you recorded what you said then played it back you would think you were a cunt to. We made a revelation today. We love each other, but dont actually like each other. He is a pompuss,vain, arrogant, son of a whore.. but i love him. Why?! I dont even know anymore.

Xx..

Lonely Times..Call For Lonely Music..

I missed wednesday.. and today is still my thursday.. although it technically isnt.
Bf came over tonight.. and i cried when he left for no apparent reason.. and nearly did at various points during the evening.. lol..
Its hard only enjoying a few things.. very few. and the main one being scrutinised by everyone who knows me..

I was the little shy girl.. who walked round the guttering of the playground by herself..

Now.. im something better or worse..

I havent quite decided yet..

x..

I Am An Unemployed Bum.. Looking For Employment.

Its so strange how things can switch round so quickly..
Someone becomes less interested i become more interested..
Its what keeps me and the bf together..
I get bored when hes nice..so its lucky he isnt.
Lol.
I screw myself really. Tbh.
If i liked nice guys i would be fine.
But i dont so i get bored of the nice guys.. i like someone who will keep me interested..
But i also have an unbelievable urge to have a bit on the side..

The mind is a funny thing.

Got C1 exam tomorrow (maths exam), have been revising all day today well since 2.. till half 8ish. I could concentrate.. strange lol. Im gonna buy some calms 'cause im a stress freak. Lol. And apparently repetitive too..

Oh well.

I got an average grade on a mock paper.. a miracle.. indeed.

I need to get a job.. but everything seems so boring.. oh stacking shelves. FUN.
I either stack shelves or hang clothes. Or get a paper round. Dont think so some how!

I once had an ambition to become prime minister.. lol how gay does that sound. I have pretty poor people skills when it comes to people i dont know.. i wouldnt do very well.

I should be getting some sleep and dreaming of maths sheep.

Taraaaa..x

My Heart Missed A Beat..

I don't know what it is with me..
I argue so much!

I get stroppy and paranoid.. with the slightest thing that doesn't go how i wanted it to.
I gotten hurt so many times.. coz im a retard. =(
Just making him angry makes me sad..
I could cry right now.. just thinking about what could happen.

=(

..x

Love Love.. Love Lovely Love..!

Okay.. so maybe i over did it yesterday..

I spoke to him.. chinese whispers and misunderstandings.
But im not that bothered right now anyway.

I just realised how much i love my bf =)
He's an arse but can be a complete angel sometimes.. he suprises me now and again.
And its great when he does!

Anyway..
I spent about 7 hours putting my bloody wardrobe together.. first i dragged it up the stairs.. and wrestled it into my bedroom.. then broke it.. then super glued it.. and my fingers. Then i wrestled it out of my bedroom and put it together. HOWEVER. The instructions were rubbish or im stupid.. probably the latter tbh. I put it together wrong 5! times. My fingers are glued and splintered and blistered. But i succesfully put all 28 pieces together.. eventually.. and it looks alright, certainly safe. I guess thats all that matters when its behind closed doors.

AYO Technology - Great sex song.

Anyway..

Well i thought about putting my deviantart page on some letters.. but as it links to my blog i will not be doing that as im sure my family really dont want to know.. or admit that their little niece, daughter, grandaughter, cousin etc.. involves herself in such things.

Is it just me or do alot of people find it difficult to put i's and e's in the right order.

I before e except after c.. as i go through checking everything.

Blah

Im dying from a headache and i think a cold. A COLD! For blimeys sake. Not happy.

I slave away over a wardrobe all day and what do i get? ..A sore throat from the dust and wood and shizzle.

Im going to Italy soooooooon. Skiing!
Missing valentines day though =(

But im planning a special thing for my bf for him to open on the 14th. Although i don't think he will wait/ appreciate it.. but i dont mind.. 'cause i lurveee him =)

I should stay in captivity, because when i go out i convince myself i like many other guys.. many.
I like a chase kinda.. thing . =)

Lotsaluvnstuff..x

I Will Contradict Myself And I Will Be Right.

Why are men such twats?
Complete arseholes. Liars.
Well some.
You dont tell one person you like them, then a week later you like someone else.
SERIOUSLY.
Luckily for me i was only pulling him along anyway. See women can be arseholes too.
Its just the principle of it. Hurt my fucking pride why dont you.
Atleast you didnt know i was playing you off.

Im telling you now, if i say i like you (like that) i probably dont. I just like the playing around with people like.. mentally not physically. So unless i prove it, i dont. Proving it consists of actually going to see you. Sorry mate. But i really cudnt be assed.

Lol im such a hypocrit. Oh well men are tough they can handle it.

I mean if your going to try to get on someone with a boyfriend your treading on unsteady ground anyway..DUH.

Anyway,
Driving lesson today! Im getting better =)
Then went and got a wardrobe, as i havent had one in like.. 5 years. Yay.
And went shopping, saw bf and couple of mates, plus arsehole 1 and arseholes less arseholish sidekick..(arsehole 2)

Had a blueberry muffin =)

Now im waiting for the fireworks to start (not literally)
; )

Lotsaluvnstuff..x

Stop Looking At My Crumpet!

'lo 'lo 'lo ♥
My sea monkeys are looking a little emo.. well dull/sad. =(
Anyway.
Today.. i spent 1st lesson plastic talking.. and 2nd stressing about an exam paper that was meant to be in several weeks ago. Turned out teacher didnt really care that much..
Got a mock exam result..got E/F , maybe i was marked down slightly..i soooo cudda got an E lol.
And i thought i did ok. Hah.
Later i was witness to more plastic talk.. followed by some self absorbed drama talk.. so me and one my mates journeyed across the vast park and through a housing estate to the local spar.. we were actually square by the time we got there (ice cubes) all for.. wait for it.. a cheese and ham sandwich and a packet of crumpets.
We returned and defrosted back in the common room. We toasted our crumpets and explored the fridge full of month old milk for butter.. 'low fat asda spread' does that count as butter? Spread. Cheese spread? Apple? Banana flavour?
Was probably mouldy anyway..
So we ate our dry crumpets and shoved some in my boyfriends direction.. when he stopped self absorbing.
Last lesson.. ARGH went over the rubbish E/F paper.. got hot and headachy.. and embarassed when asked how i found the exam.
How did i find it?! You marked it. Tard.

Went home on scanky/smelly bus. Driver stalled. Driver this morning broke gear box. Said we would die if we went round one roundabout.. but not if we went around another.. extrordinarily.
We lived, bf didnt reply to texts of final goodbyes.. lucky me.

Strange thing is ive always wondered what it would be like if my bus did crash.. travelled on it every school day since i was 9. The same journey twice a day needs a bit of livening up dont you think? If i got minorly hurt from a 'Terifying Catastrophy' oh the attention i would get. Maybe some appreciation too. Respect? Woah there.. thats pushing it.

Things that piss me off.
Girls or Guys with a significant other who treats them well, and girl or guy goes and flirts with other guys or girls. Especially in front of them.

I dont count. I said treated well. Bf does count however. Says alot.

Lotsaluvnstuff x

STRESS?!!?!

Stress...
STRESSED.

Ive turned into a monster =(

Woke up at 3..am.. went to bed at 2. Woke up again at 7.
Im tired and narky.
And ive.. missed lessons.. argued.. made up.. argued some more.. made excuses.. got confused.
Was hit, kicked, layed on, burnt (by hot chocolate)
Made to walk to town.. in the freezing cold and snow and wind.

So i decided to make a blog..
Ive decided i shouldnt post blogs on myspace anymore..as my friends think im a psycho if they read it and a very very sad person if i make it private.

Oh.. your writing a blog to yourself.. how lovely...... FREAK.

Yeah.. its like writing all this shizzle is therapy.. stress therapy..
My cheap anger management.
Im hoping to get a league of dedicated followers that i've never met.. that think im amazing and can do no wrong.
lol as if.

As this is mein first blog.. i guess i should write about myself if some random person unfortunately (for them) wanders (virtually) on/in to my blog.

Firstly may i say.. my flippin space bar is indeed broken-ish. So this isnt easy.

But im 17.. brown hair.. 5ft 6ish.. i have a wonky face.. but 'apparently' noone else notices.
Anyway..
Im nice.. well 'aww your so lovely'
Lovely?? umm... ok
Once i asked if that meant i was boring.. the reply was 'your ACTUALLY quite interesting'

Like they were suprised? Cheers mate.

I like photography, writing poems.. occassional story.
Singing, although noone will ever be witness unless im drunk.
Dancing, and again. Unless its just the average moving my ass to the beat as some guy harasses me.. me too drunk to notice.
Happens more than you would think.

Anyway yeah.. thats me.
Wait.
Oh LORDY i forgot the 'biggest' part of my life.
My 'beloved' Boyfriend.
Together since 11th November 2006.
He has broken up with me... around 6 times.
Made me cry, scream, shout, become an insomniac, become an anorexic.. kinda.. well for a week anyway, make suicide threats, drop my friends, blame my friends...
But.. i love him.
And i am a slight handful sometimes..

Because.. as i was saying.. im STRESSED.
Stress makes me so argumentative. If its not done my way its not right. Its not even moral.
If i was someone else.. i wouldnt like me.. probably.. maybe.
Im alot of things im not.
But more of that another time.

Im going to try and keep this up.
It kind of inspired by a book im reading.
Thats really good by the way.

Called..
The intimate adventures of a london call girl.

And no, i am not a prostitute.

Lotsaluvnstuff.. x